Holiday Jollies!
by Wistful-Eyes
Summary: A little Humor story for the holidays. Apparently, the Holiday crew are on strike. Who else to replace them, but the K-gumi! ch2: Kenshin is a firework. Kenshin is a groundhog. Kenshin is a beaver. And next chapter, Kenshin will be a baby...Cruel world...
1. Who IS that Short Fat Man?

****

*Diclaimer: (Sing to "Mary Had A Little Lamb").

If I did own RuroKen,

RuroKen, RuroKen-!

If I did own RuroKen,

Tomoe would've lived! :)******However, I do own Paul & Narrarator, though I am not satisfied at all with that. 0_o'*

****

"Holiday Jollies":

Kenshin: Ohayo, Kaoru-dono.

Kaoru: Good morning, Kenshin!

Yahiko: Hey, Busu-

WHACK!

Yahiko: ITAI! What was that for, Bu-" 

Kaoru: Yahiko! Pay more respect to you Assistant Master!

Whack!

Kenshin: Settle down now, settle down- 

~*~

Today seemed like it was going to be a pretty normal day. Yahiko and Kaoru almost always fought in the mornings. Kenshin was trying to break them up, as usual. Hopefully no crazy gangs, psychopaths, robbers, or old fighters from the Bakumatsu would show up. And they didn't. Because what showed was completely 

different from that! 

~*~

"Hello??" rang a voice.

"Oro?"

Kaoru promptly let go of Yahiko's shirt collar and let him slide to the floor swirly-eyed at her feet.

"Can I help you? I run this dojo." she said as a grumpy looking man marched over.

He waved his hand at her, motioning for her to stop talking. 

"This has nothing to do with your dojo. Due to a strange brainstorm from God, I have traveled back in time to find _you, _as you are supposedly the perfect ones to replace the Holiday-Persons." the man stared up at the sky and pointed.

(The fanfic writer grins evily and giggles down at them)

"Oro?" Kenshin said again.

"No!" the grumpy man cried. "It's 'Hohoho!', not 'Oro!"

Kaoru looked confused. "Why are you imitating Miss Megumi?"

The grumpy man looked angry. "Quit chattering and listen up. I have frozen time, and now each of you must fill your roles as Holiday-Persons."

Yahiko scoffed. "No one can freeze time, old man-"

WHACK!

"Oi, Busu! Stoppit!"

WHACK! "Pay more respect to your elders!" WHACK!

"Settle down now, settle down please," Kenshin cried.

The grumpy man sighed and whipped out a strange cloth and waved it in the air in front of them, covering his own nose. All three of them collapsed to the floor unconcious.

"Daisies are soft de gozaru." Kenshin lolled.

"Why do bunnies hop?" Yahiko said. 

"Why is Kenshin prettier than me?" asked Kaoru.

The man sighed and bonked them on the heads, causing them to stop their weird ramblings.

(Aw, too bad)

He then snapped his fingers, and all four of them disappeared.

~*~ (A few hours later) ~*~

Sanosuke strolled into the dojo.

"Oi! Where is everybody?" he cried, kicking a stone. 

"They've taken a little trip. And I think you do, too." said a sly voice.

Sanosuke jumped and turned around, ready to fight. "Who the hell are you?" he asked.

There was a short grumpy looking man in front of him, balding too. Sanosuke twitched.

The grumpy man grinned, exposing ugly yellow and brown teeth.

"Oh, they're going to like this. Haven't had a tall guy in a while."

"What the-" Sanosuke started, but was cut off as the short guy jumped up and swabbed his nose with a strange cloth.

"Stars look like jewels which hang from the black curtain of mystery, forever shrouding the glory of other worlds-" he snored. The grumpy short fat man whose name was Paul looked at the cloth and studied it.

"Oops," he muttered. He had accidentally swabbed Smart-Poets-Pickle-Juice onto Sanosuke's nose. He whipped out another one and swung it around Sanosuke's face, then conked him on the head.

"Me no likee Meiji weijiess..." he droned. Paul scrunched up his face in annoyance and came closer to him and poked him. 

"Dirty piggies." Sanosuke snored, meaning the Meiji Government. Unfortunately, Paul didn't know that. He hit Sanosuke on the head again, causing Sanosuke to shut up and go "X" eyed. Then Paul snapped his fingers, still looking pissed, and they disappeared.

~*~

Sanosuke: Pickledee pickledee Tickle Me Too!

*Kenshin, Kaoru, and Yahiko all sweatdrop*

Kenshin: He still hasn't waken up, de gozaru...

Kaoru: Maybe we should wake him up ourselves...

Yahiko: OI! ROOSTER-HEAD!

*He kicks Sanosuke in the head*

Sanosuke: Sweetie mommy would like more minutes of sleepy tweepy-

Yahiko: STUPID THUG!

*Kicks him harder*

Sanosuke: *drool* Glugg.....where am I??

*Kenshin and Kaoru try to pretend Sanosuke didn't say anything embaressing*

Kenshin: We don't know. A short man captured us.

Sanosuke: Short as you?

Kenshin: ......

Sanosuke: Heh, I think he got me too.

Kaoru: When I get my hands on him-! How dare he do this to us-

Paul: Helllllllooo!

Kaoru: Ah! !0_0!

Paul: You guys took so long to wake up. Geez. Now I can finally get down to business and get outta here.

Kenshin: (with golden eyes) First state to us why you have kidnapped us.

*Kaoru hits Kenshin, and his golden contacts fall out*

Kenshin: Kaoru-dono!

Kaoru: I told you to quit using those things to scare people! ITS ANNOYING!

Paul: You're quite annoying as well. How are you ever going to act like a turkey?

Kaoru: WHAT?!

*She launches at Paul, only to be restrained by the Sanosuke*

Yahiko: Act like a turkey? She already acts like a Raccoon, what else do you want?

Kaoru: Grrrrrr**rrrrrrrrrrr**RRRRR**RRRR!!!**

Paul: What do raccoons have to do with holidays? NOTHING! So shut up and sit tight so I can explain to you folks what your jobs are. Then I can skiddle doo back to my husband.

*The K-gumi sweatdrops. Paul's eyes bulge out*

*He shakes his fist towards the sky*

Paul: HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME SAY THAT!!!

*The fanfic author giggles and waves again*

Paul: (-_-') That was not true! Anyway, let me explain. The Holiday-persons have all gone on strike! Even little Fufu...

Kenshin: Who's Fufu??

Paul: The Easter Bunny! *sniff*

Sanosuke: The what?

Paul: Oh, shut up. Read these pamphlets. *Tosses several quite heavy looking pamphlets to the K-gumi*

Yahiko: Heck no, I'm not converting! I'm fine being non-religious!

Paul: THESE AREN'T RELIGION PAMPHLETS! Just read them!

~*~(Many, many hours later)~*~

Kaoru: This is the kind of crap people poison their children's minds with in the future?!?

Yahiko: That is so messed up! A fat guy dressed in red sliding down your chimney?!

Megumi: Not to mention very unhygenic.

Kaoru: *yelps* Miss Megumi?!

Megumi: (-_-') He caught me on the way to the clinic.

Kenshin: Ororoo....rabbits do not lay eggs that they most certainly do not!!

Paul: I know that! The rabbit just _passes out _the eggs, not lays them!

Kenshin: But that is still very strange, de gozaru...

Paul: Well, you're all not here to complain! You're here to replace them.

All: WHAT?!!

Paul: *ignoring them* Eenie Meenie Mini Mo...Aha! Red-head goes first!

Kenshin: ORO??

Kaoru: Kenshin!

Kenshin: Do not worry Kaoru-dono, I will come back safe and unh-ORO!

*Paul bonks Kenshin on the head and starts to drag him away*

Kaoru: Kenshin! Kenshin!

Kenshin: Orororooo...

Kaoru: Mou! I'm worried about you and all you can do is that?! 

Kenshin: TTFN, Ta-ta for now!

Megumi: Good lord.

*And the K-gumi watches as their friend is slowly dragged away...*

Narrarator: What horrors await Kenshin? What does Paul mean, them having to replace "Holiday-persons"? Find out, next time, on...Holiday Jolli-...oh dammit, this title sucks. I quit.

Author: You can't do that! You're my character!

Narrarator: No I'm not! You stole me from Pokemon!

Author: No I did not-

Narrarator: *to readers* You believe me, right?

Author: Bye everyone! Hope you enjoyed! Please leave a review!

*Narrarator wails as he is dragged away by Author*

*******************************

Glossary:

Ohayo= Good Morning.

Busu=Ugly. (duh)

Authors Notes:

Howdy! This was previously planned to be part of RSI (Rurouni Spread Insanity), but then I decided against it because this might turn out to be a couple chapters long, and I already have the Hogwartz continuing story in RSI. 

****

To New Readers:

Hello! Hoped you liked this. ^_^ If you did, _would you be so kind _to check out another one of my fics, RSI _(Rurouni Spread Insanity_)? It's stories are just as wacky, and you know, they're random and stuff, so its not just one huge fic that you need to read every chapter to understand; just the Hogwartz stuff. You'll see. ^^' Well, yeah, I'd appreciate it if you checked it out. And I'd also really really appreciate it if you _reviewed_. Thank you very very much.

Narrarator: She's lying! Get away while you still can! She'll glomp you if you do both of those things!

Author: ^_^' Heheh, Narrarator-dude, if you don't shut up now...

Review! Check out RSI! Hit me! Bye! 


	2. Kenshin's Holidays 1

****

*Diclaimer: (Sing to "Mary Had A Little Lamb").

If I did own RuroKen,

RuroKen, RuroKen-!

If I did own RuroKen,

Tomoe would've lived! :)******However, I do own Paul & Narrarator, though I am not satisfied at all with that. 0_o'*

****

"Holiday Jollies":

Narrarator: Last time, on Hol-oh, goddami-

Author: Haven't you gotten over it by now?!

Narrarator: Of course not! Not only is the title bad, but l-lo-look-

*splutters and points at Disclaimer*

Narrarator: WHAT KIND OF DISCLAIMER GOES TO A NURSERY TUNE?!

Author: (T_T') I thought it was cute...

Narrarator: And...*lip wobbles* you said....that you weren't satisfied...with us!

Author: (-_-') Is that what you're sad about?!

*Narrarator nods poutingly*

Author: Fine, come on, crybaby. I'll give you a yam.

*drags Narrarator away*

Narrarator: YAMS! Yay! Yay! I love yams! Me happy!

Author: (-_-') You're reminding me of someone...anyway, last time on Holiday...(o_0') That is hard to say...ergh...last chapter, Kenshin was dragged away by short balding Paul!

Paul: I AM NOT BALD!

Author: What will Kenshin be forced to do? Read and find out! *Bows and runs away*

~~~~NOW BACK TO THE REAL STORY~~~~

Kenshin: Paul-dono, where are you taking me?

Paul: What the heck did you just call me??

Kenshin: Paul-dono do dono dodo dodono!

........

Kenshin: I did not say that, de gozaru!

*Author cackles*

~~~~~OKAY, NOW, BACK TO THE REALLY REAL STORY~~~~~

Audience: Really?

Author: No. I'm sorry, can't resist...

~~~~~~~NOW, WE ARE GONNA GO BACK TO THE REALLY REALLY REAL STORY~~~~

...

.......

..

...

~*~

Kaoru: Kenshin....

Sanosuke: Don't worry Jou-chan. Kenshin can take whatever that guy throws at him.

Kaoru: But...I don't want Kenshin to be fat!

Sanosuke: *thinking* Now that is a disturbing mental picture...AH! PICTURES! NOW MY SOUL WILL BE SUCKED OUT!!!!!

*Sanosuke starts to scream and run around and promptly crashes into a wall and faints*

Megumi: ....Why do you think Ken-san will become fat?

Kaoru: LOOKIT LOOKIT LOOKIT LOOKIT!!!! *cries and holds up pamphlet* If...*sniff*...that man, Paul...*sniff*...says we are to replace the Holiday characters...just look at Santa Clause!!

*Yahiko and Megumi peer at the picture. What they see is an old, white bearded fat man, with rosy cheeks. They all begin to picture Kenshin with big cheeks, a white beard, and....gosh.*

Megumi: EE**Ee**eeEEEEEii**iiI**III**!!!!!**!!

Yahiko: AAaaaa**aaAArr**rRRGG**GGGGH**HHH**!!!!!**

Kaoru: AAA**Aaaaaa**aAAAAAAAA**AHhhH**HH**!!!**

And their screams rang long and hard....

~*~

****

THE FIRST HOLIDAY: NEW YEARS:

Kenshin: Paul-dono, where are you taking me?

Paul: .....

Kenshin: Paul-dono?

Paul: ....*twitch*....Will...you...quit that?!

Kenshin: Why, Paul-dono? OROOORO-!!!

*Paul "dono" proceeds to strangle Kenshin* 

Paul: DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME "DONO" AGAIN!!!

Kenshin: Okie dokie.

~*~

*They walk onwards, or rather, Paul dragging Kenshin by his wrist. Soon they come to a room that resemles a factory. While they rush through, Kenshin sees a leprachaun, a panda, a giant chocolate heart, and...*

Kenshin: Horsies!!

Paul: Those are reindeer. And look at the sign!

Sign: Look, but do not touch! Reindeers have feelings too!

Paul: You won't be needing those until later. Come on.

*The dragging continues until they come to an enclosed spot where lots of workers are testing out fireworks...*

Paul: There isn't really a person for New Years...but...*shrug* We'll do it anyway. 

Paul shoves Kenshin forward to a group of people.

Paul: DYE HIM!

Kenshin: DIE ME??

Paul: No, DYE!

Kenshin: I don't want to die, de gozaru!

Paul: DYE!! Oh forget it, dye him already!

Kenshin: I do not wish to-OROOOROOO!!!!

*The factory workers proceed to paint him...with which colors? Red! White! And Blue! Kenshin is heard yelling in the bustle. When they step back to reveal the Rurouni...*

Kenshin: MY HAIR!! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!!

*The painters really are out of whack. Instead of leaving his hair and gi red, they dyed them white. Torso blue, and fingernails.....*

Kenshin: My fingers! They're bleeding!

*He yelps and runs around wildly*

Paul: No doofus, it's only paint-

Kenshin: AH! AH! Ah!

Paul: Oh well. The paint will dry quicker.

~+~10 MINUTES LATER~+~

Kenshin: AH! Ah! AH!

Paul: I guess it should be dry now...

Kenshin: AH! AH! AH!

*Paul takes a firework and whaps him on the head*

Kenshin: Ororoo...

Paul: Strap him to the Banger!

~+~5 MINUTES LATER~+~

Kenshin: Why am I tied to a firework?

Paul: So you will explode into patriotic colors for us all to see.

Kenshin: Oh...now?

Paul: Yup. 

*He lights the fuse*

Kenshin: ....Oro.

****

BAM!!!!!!!!

And the firework is off....

~+~2 SECONDS LATER~+~

Kenshin: AAA_AA**AA**_AAAAaaaA**a_a_**AAAAAAAAii**iiiII**II**eEEEE_EEE_**EEEEEEE**E!!**!!**!!!!!!**!

~+~3 SECONDS LATER~+~

Kenshin: AA**AAaaaaa_a_**aAAAIIII**_Ii_**iiiiiiIIIEee**EEEEE**E**!!!!!!!**

~+~1 SECOND LATER~+~

****

BOOOOOOOM!!!!

And the firework bursts in all of it's glory....

Woman: Dear, is that a man I see?

Man: Where?

Woman: The one screaming wildly and falling from the sky.

Man: Tsh. My dear, that is a woman.

Kenshin: I HEARD THATTTTTTttttttttt............. *and he fades into the distance...*

~~~~~~~~~~~

****

THE SECOND HOLIDAY: GROUNDHOG DAY

Kenshin: I won't do it! I will not-

*is muffled*

Paul: Oh, come on, it's not that bad, is it?

Kenshin: Have you ever been forced to dress up as a groundhog?!

Girls: Ooooh, he's so cute! *giggle giggle*

Paul: (-_-') Okay, it's pretty bad, but that's alright. And also, technically, that's a beaver. Our groundhog costumes ran out.

Kenshin: ....That explains the weird tail, that it does.

Paul: Aye.

~+~

Paul: *coaxingly* Come on, all you have to do is go down the hole, then pop out again to see whether or not there is a shadow!

Kenshin: I do not wish to lower myself to that- OOF!

*Paul kicks Kenshin into the hole*

Paul: And stay there! The reporters will be coming soon!

Kenshin: Reporters?! What-

Paul: HIDE!

*Paul runs away, leaving Kenshin to his furry, dank, holey fate*

Kenshin: ....Paul-dono?

*Kenshin hears reporter vans screech up and the long high heels of...!*

Ashley Kinkerboo: Hello, everyone!! *giggles and flutters eyelashes*

Kenshin: *thinking* Aiieeee!!!

Ashley: Today, we are here to witness the legendary groundhog pop out of his snuggly little hole! *giggles*

Kenshin: *thinking* EEEEEEeeeEEE-!!!

Ashley: *to hole* Come out, widdle smugger bums!

Kenshin: ........

Ashley: Widdle gwondhoggy! Gwondhoggy fufu!

.....You know. There is only so much a man can take. Kenshin has almost experienced it all. Being hit by crazy anime girls, fighting and getting mortally wounded, getting _burnt _and _bitten _by a mummy-freak with a face only his mother-and, er, Yumi could love, killing many people and carrying that guilt, being mistaken for a female...but never, NEVER has Kenshin been baby-talked too. And **that **was the last straw.

.....

~

Kaoru: Who is that talking?

Author: (^_^) Me! Don't I make such a nice narrarator?

*The K-gumi and the Author are watching a small television. On screen is Kenshin, dressed as a groundhog, or uh, a beaver, and his temple is throbbing dangerously. So is Kaoru's once she sees the giggly reporter baby-talking to him.*

Yahiko: Who's videotaping him?

Author: Paul, and a mini camcorder on Kenshin's beaver.

Sanosuke: What?

Author: His tail.

Sanosuke: Oh.

Yahiko: You're all weird.

Author: Ah! Ah-AH- LOOK! He's gonna blow!!

~

Ashley: I hear movement! Is widdle gwondhoggy finally coming out??

*Get away, Ashley. Get away while you still can...but no. Stupid Ashley peers into the hole*

Kenshin: AaaaaaaaaaaAAARRRRGHHHH!!!!!!

Ashley: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKK!!!!

*And thus, captured by the newscamera men and Paul, Ashley is mauled by a crazy giant groundhog-man-beaver.*

Kenshin: WHERE IS MY SWORD?!! I WANT MY SWORD!!!

Ashley: Oh!! Cutie widdle gwondhoggy can speak Engwish???

Author: Damn, she's too annoying. Kenshin! Catch!

*Sakabatou is tossed, and Kenshin stares*

Kenshin: Must...not...break...non-killing...!!!!

Ashley: Widdle gwondhoggy?

Kenshin/Battousai: DIE!!!

*And, captured by the newscamera men and Paul once _again_, Ashley is mauled and chopped quite severely by a giant groundhog-man-beaver*

Newscamera Man: Or is that a lady?

Author: Don't even start.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE THIRD HOLIDAY: VALENTINE'S DAY

Author: Oh, what dreary fates! For now that Kenshin has been humiliated dressing as a furry critter and been baby-talked too, _now _he must _be _a baby!

Kenshin: Wistful Eyes-dono, if you love me at all, end this right now!!

Author: Oh my, what a difficult choice to make. (;_;)

Kenshin: *desperately* Sessha will take you out to dinner and buy you ice cream if you accept, de gozaru!!

Author: Ice cream! And Kenshin?! Put together?! I'm in!

Kenshin: *sighs in relief*

Author: *whispering* But you know...this is just a break. You will see Kenshin in a Santa suit soon. Just do the magic thing...press the button! Wait! No, not that button with the "x"! The review one! No, hey, don't close this page hey-!!!

~And insanity is rested for now....~

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Author's Notes: 

Don't worry. Valentines will continue in the next chapter. However...I do feel guilty. Kenshin wearing a toga with little wings and a bow and arrow might just be too much! -_-' Even I think that is a bit far...well...I'll see you next time!


End file.
